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Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008

Subject:Teenage Wasteland
Time:8:43 pm.
Mood: awake.

I'm such a broken record; I don't really know what's wrong with me sometimes. I used to like myself, but now I'm not so sure. The reason for this is because I feel like I've let myself down, like I've lost myself somewhere and I didn't leave breadcrumbs to find my way back. As a result of this, I know that I've become a dull gal, a gal that is mopey and unmotivated and uninspired and far from what I am, have been, and should be.

And that's the same song and dance that I always end up doing at some point, which is just foolish in and of itself. And I write about it here because I don't trust MySpace, and when I put it here, it makes it real.

I wish I could do a complete 2007 recap, similar to past recaps, but I can't. I worked more than I wanted to, came to some conclusions as to what I really want to do with my life, and have no idea how to get to those places. Clearly, I know how, but I also know that I settle for things as they are. Which is bullshit, yes. I was much more interesting when I didn't care. When I really didn't care and just did things without consequences or worry. When I didn't settle. When I re-read my journals, I see a ballsy bitch who did what she wanted, who thought the world of herself, and was her own biggest fan. For some reason, I feel like I'm 16 again and full of this teen angst BS, 'the world is against me' 'i hate everyone' blah blah blah.

Quite simple. I need to get over this. Because I am done being a shell of my former self; I'm done waiting for something to just happen to me because I want it to. Obviously, I need to do just fucking do it.

So let me tell you then my key plans for 2008. In no particular order.
1. New job: Not in Marketing. Not where I am. Not for loyalty programs. Not for an arrogant prick. Don't ask me to analyze the data. Don't ask me to segment the customer base. Don't ask me to report on the net sales generated. Don't ask me to do your fucking job, either. Don't ask me to do a t-test hold out group when I'm damn sure you don't even know what that is. Somewhere where I can refer to her as my girlfriend and not my roommate.
2. Masters: English Lit. Find a place that I want to go and can afford, but if I need to take out student loans, then fucking take them out. Perhaps new job will have better tuition reimbursment than current. In either case, at the very least, start practicing for the GREs. Seriously.
3. Pilates: Take more classes. Find out how you, too, can be certified. Perhaps make THAT your new job for 2008. OR do that part time.
4. WRITE: I like to think that I'm a good writer; I like to think that maybe I am good enough that when I DO put something on paper and actually DO send it somewhere for publiciation, they'd actually print it. So why have I stopped saying the things I want to say?
5. Ass: As in get your head out of your ass. I think this one is pretty self explanatory. We all know the ramifications of this. 
6. Cook: Yes - it's time.
7. Breath: a. to draw air into and expel from the lungs: respire; broadly: to take in oxygen and give out carbon dioxide through natural processess b: to inhale and exhale freely

To inhale and exhale freely

To inhale and exhale freely

To inhale and exhale freely

To inhale and exhale freely

“Come to the edge,” he said. They said, “We are afraid.” “Come to the edge,” he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew. ~Apollinaire 

Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

Subject:A love letter to my journal
Time:5:40 pm.
Mood: busy.
Dear LiveJournal,

I'm sorry I've forgotten about you lately. I promise it's not because of MySpace, but rather, my own doing and being too 'busy' for important things. Like writing about my life.

If you let me, I'll make it up to you. And we can go back to being our old narcissistic selves. I can tell you about Pilate's and my attitude at work and how much I dislike stupid retarded people on ego trips. And I will tell you all about my lady and how we have a fancy new apartment on a waterfall with a spider.

I'll let you think about it. You let me know.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, September 1st, 2006

Subject:Important shizzle
Time:9:41 am.
Your 2006 Summer Anthem Is

Dani California by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

"She's a lover, baby, and a fighter
Shoulda seen it comin' when it got a little brighter
With a name like "Dani California"
Day was gonna come when I was gonna mourn ya
A little loaded she was stealin' another breath
I love my baby to death"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 25th, 2006

Subject:Thoughts worth sharing...
Time:11:39 am.
Mood: hungry.
On Turning Ten

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light --
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.

But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

Subject:Morris! Groupie
Time:9:08 am.
Thanks to saltlesstears for this!

the Achiver
Test finished!
you chose AZ - your Enneagram type is THREE.


"I need to succeed"


Achivers are energetic, optimistic, self-assured, and goal oriented.

How to Get Along with Me

  • Leave me alone when I am doing my work.
  • Give me honest, but not unduly critical or judgmental, feedback.
  • Help me keep my environment harmonious and peaceful.
  • Don't burden me with negative emotions.
  • Tell me you like being around me.
  • Tell me when you're proud of me or my accomplishments.

What I Like About Being a Three

  • being optimistic, friendly, and upbeat
  • providing well for my family
  • being able to recover quickly from setbacks and to charge ahead to the next challenge
  • staying informed, knowing what's going on
  • being competent and able to get things to work efficiently
  • being able to motivate people

What's Hard About Being a Three

  • having to put up with inefficiency and incompetence
  • the fear on not being -- or of not being seen as -- successful
  • comparing myself to people who do things better
  • struggling to hang on to my success
  • putting on facades in order to impress people
  • always being "on." It's exhausting.

Threes as Children Often

  • work hard to receive appreciation for their accomplishments
  • are well liked by other children and by adults
  • are among the most capable and responsible children in their class or school
  • are active in school government and clubs or are quietly busy working on their own projects

Threes as Parents

  • are consistent, dependable, and loyal
  • struggle between wanting to spend time with their children and wanting to get more work done
  • expect their children to be responsible and organized

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose AZ

Would you rather have chosen:

  • BZ (FIVE)
  • CZ (ONE)
  • AX (SEVEN)
  • AY (EIGHT)

  • My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
    free online dating free online dating
    You scored higher than 70% on ABC
    free online dating free online dating
    You scored higher than 0% on XYZ
    If you liked my test, send it to your friends!
    The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test
    Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

    Thursday, February 16th, 2006

    Subject:This is my job!
    Time:10:36 am.
    Mood: accomplished.

    But not for long! You see..I've gotten a new job! I'll be a direct marketing coordinator and I start on the 27th. I'm VERY excited! Hooray for me!

    So I'm not really doing much right now. 
    1. Because I don't really want to. 
    2. There's not much work coming in right now. The woman I'm supposed to be training is "too busy" doing her important work. (It's really not that important, FYI) After I've updated all the manuals and process instructions with all of the changes I've implemented over the past few months, I still have a chunk of time with absolutly nothing to do. I've been updating my amazon wishlist like every day. I think my goal is to one day buy EVERYTHING on said list.  I have a public list and a private list, and both are pretty long. I made a private list around Christmas time because I knew my mom would be checking out the list for gift ideas. She doesn't really need to see my books on sex and masturbation, now does she? LOL. No. 
    3. My current boss has already 'decided' that I don't care any more. So why should I?

    I jumped on the myspace train. If anyone out there has a profile, let me know. I'll add you to my friends list and we'll be oh-so- trendy together!

    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Thursday, February 2nd, 2006

    Subject:Because I can't update myspace at work
    Time:11:39 am.
    Mood: hopeful.
    Pointless entry:

    I can't find my CD's. They got lost in the move. For those of you that know me, my CD's are super important to me and I want to listen to this song. I was all American Idol when I'd sing it in the car LOL

    Sister Hazel
    Your Winter

    The grey ceiling on the earth
    Well it's lasted for a while
    Take my thoughts for what they're worth
    I've been acting like a child
    In your opinion, and what is that?
    It's just a different point of view

    What else, What else can I do?
    I said I'm sorry, and I'm sorry.
    I said I'm sorry , but what for?
    If I hurt you then I hate myself
    Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you
    Why do you choose your pain?
    If you only know how much I love you, love you

    I won't be your winter
    I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
    We can be forgiven
    I will be here

    The old picture on the shelf
    Well it's been there for a while
    A frozen image of ourselves
    We are acting like a child
    Innocent and in a trance
    A dance that lasted for a while

    You read my eyes just like your diary,
    oh remember, please remember
    Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
    If I hurt you, then I hate myself, don't wanna hurt you
    Why do you choose that pain?
    If you only knew how much I love you

    I won't be your winter
    I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
    We can be forgiven
    I will be here
    Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

    Thursday, January 12th, 2006

    Subject:It's time
    Time:10:11 am.
    I'm in the process of setting up a myspace account.

    Find me on MySpace and be my friend!
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Friday, January 6th, 2006

    Subject:Well, she does have pretty sweet hair
    Time:1:15 pm.
    you are BETTE! you've got an established career, a
    significant other, and ethnicity that no one
    can define. you're also fairly hot!

    Which Character from The L Word are You???
    brought to you by Quizilla
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006

    Subject:Pretty Good Year
    Time:4:21 pm.
    Mood: bored.

    Thanks to natalie516 for posting this!

    • Was 2005 a good year for you? Can’t complain too much..moved out the rents house, got a raise, went on some vacations and got the Coach bag I have been oooooogling over forever!
    • What one thing would have made your year much more satisfying? Having a job that I actually liked and making tons more cake than I am now
    • What was your favorite moment of the year? WI with my lady, Ryan. I haven’t been that relaxed in a long, long time.  Clavir’s party was fun, too.  And the lobster bake.  Basically, summer time activities were fun.
    • What was your least favorite moment of the year? Working, snow, and dealing with retards at work: Baby got Bangs and  Baby got Bangs Jr. 
    • Where were you when 2006 began? Rage, Worcester’s premier gay night club
    • Who were you with? Ryan, some drag queens (god bless the pussy!!) and many of Worcester’s gay community. Oh. And Heineken.
    • Where will you be when 2006 ends? Player, please. It just started.
    • Who will you be with when 2006 ends? With Ryan.  Invite only for the rest.
    • Did you keep your new years resolutions of 2005? I didn’t make any.
    • Do you have a new years resolutions for 2006? Keep going to the gym, and to not take myself and life so serioiusly. And I think it’s really time to start writing again.  I wrote very little in 05
    • Did you fall in love in 2005? Many times…all with Ryan
    • Did you breakup with anyone in 2005? Hmmmm..no. Not this year!!!
    • Did you make any new friends in 2005? Not so much. I’m not very good at making friends. Maybe I should work harder at it.
    • What was your favorite month of 2005? July. Because it’s my birthday, which is pretty much just as important as Jesus’
    • What did you do on your birthday? Ryan and I took the day off. I went to the gym. Got buff. We went to the movies, saw “Wedding Crashers” and “Charlie and the chocolate Factory.” Got some betta fish. Named them Gumby and Pokey. They are now dead. 
    • Did you travel outside of the U.S. in 2005? No. No I did not.
    • How many different states did you travel to in 2005? WI and FL. We drove to WI, so we drove through NY, PA, OH, IL, and I think IN? We stopped out outlets in IL, I think.  Only Ryan and I would go shopping on Vacation. At the Gap. *edit: I forgot. We also went to Ogunquit ME and various 'hot spots' in RI, including, but not limited to Block AKA Glock Island. We sailed away on the glock island ferry to HELL!
    • Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? Thankfully, no.
    • Did you suffer illness or injury? No. Just the usual hangovers.  Maybe a stuffy nose. And I dropped a stocking holder (for XMAS stockings for people who don’t have a fireplace) on my big toe
    • How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Quasi Trendy? Definatly more professional on the work end.  I fell in love with rip and repair destroyed jeans from AE.
    • Did you miss anybody in the past year? A few friends.
    • What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005? Did “In Good Company” come out earlier this year? That’s my favorite movie from 2005.
    • What was your favorite TV show? The L Word, Family Guy, Office Space
    • What was the best book you read? “Magical Thinking” by Augusten Burroughs. And I’m not even being biasesd even though he signed my copy (thanks, Ryan!!!)
    • What was your favorite song from 2005? Eh…let’s see.  I downloaded like every song ever this year. 
    • What was your favorite record from 2005? Um. The last record I had was when I was 5 and it was sesame street “born to add” (to the tune of “born to run”
    • How many concerts did you see in 2005? Ani. Scissor Sisters. Ben Folds. Was that it?
    • What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Drove 18 hours in one day, moved out on my own, and made bratwurst for dinner
    • What did you get really, really, really excited about? WI Road trip and my coach bag!
    • What do you wish you'd done more of? Wrote a bit more. Maybe went swimming more?
    • What do you wish you'd done less of? Pissing and moaning. Per ususal.
    • What did you want and get? I wanted the coach bag. And then anything that I bought this year. Obviously.  I interviewed for a new position last week. But I don’t know if I got that yet.
    • Want and not get? An Ipod. Like all of America. And more money.
    • What was your biggest achievement of the year? This was a quiet year for me. Although, getting our own place was pretty big.  OH WAIT! I paid off one of my visa’s this year..the one that I had run up when I was 19 and it took about 6 years to pay off. That was pretty big.
    • What was your biggest failure? That’s really NOT an option.
    • Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? No regrets my friends.
    • What kept you sane? My humor and Ryan
    • What political issue stirred you the most? I’m not even going to get started on the great G.W we have in the white house. He’s such an ass.  And I want to marry my lady and if that’s taken away then there will be serious consequences.
    • What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? Sometimes, in certain situations, I can’t say she’s my girlfriend. And I wish I could.
    • Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? No, but I did talk serious smack about people.
    • Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? Hmmm…no
    • What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory forever? They are all etched in my memory. Really. In 10 years, ask me what I did on July 6, 2005 and I’ll say I went fishing. Because I did. And I will remember.
    • What was your proudest moment of 2005? Catching a fish. And watching my youngest bro graduate high school and be crowned Mr. D.H.S.
    • What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? Oh please, this is not YM Magazine.
    • If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change it what would it be? Again, no regrets.
    • What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? More money and maybe a new car. A house or a condo and a dog named Heiniken and Mr. Pibbs.
    • Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005. I didn’t’ really learn anything new per say, just reiterations of things I already know.
    • What are your plans for 2006? New job I love, make more money, 401K, new car, pay off student loan, write more and worry less, new shoes, make new friends, vacation!!!! And just enjoy myself and quality company
    • Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: I got soul, but I’m not a soldier
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Wednesday, December 28th, 2005

    Subject:So this is Christmas
    Time:1:43 pm.
    Mood: bored.

    It's turbo slow at work...so slow that i have been able to read my entire LJ, from the end of 2002 until now. How funny, to read about your life from your point of view at different times and places, with different friends and whatever.  Where did I go?

    I hope things are well with every one and that you all got exactly what you wanted for Christmas. 

    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Monday, December 12th, 2005

    Subject:Let it all go
    Time:4:09 pm.
    You were my modulation
    and that's what you will always be.
    We took each other higher
    then we set each other free.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Sunday, December 11th, 2005

    Subject:I aint no hollaback girl
    Time:10:10 am.
    Mood: amused.
    Your 2005 Song Is

    Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz

    "Love forever love is free.
    Let's turn forever you and me."

    In 2005, you were loving life and feeling no pain.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Monday, December 5th, 2005

    Subject:Like my new icon?
    Time:8:26 pm.
    Mood: hungry.

    It's little Kate. Circa 1986. I had to shrink it lots, but for me, Ms. Techno Unsavvy, it's pretty good.

    My dad fell off a ladder, broke he foot, and dislocated his ankle. Ewww.  He had surgery last night on it and is recovering well.


    Happy Thanksgiving

    Happy Hannaka

    Good Kwanza to you

    Merry Christmas

    Happy Holidays

    And Happy New Year.

    My one and only resolution this year (which I NEVER do) is to stop taking myself, and life, so seriously.

    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Sunday, November 20th, 2005

    Subject:Happy One Year of No smoking to ME!!!
    Time:12:46 pm.
    <td align="center">

    Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>
    Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

    Saturday, November 12th, 2005

    Subject:How true
    Time:12:17 pm.
    <td align="center">You are John Bender from the Breakfast Club

    You are tough and like to annoy people. You are into drugs and making your principal look like a loser, and at the same time win the heart of the Prom Queen.

    Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>
    Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

    Wednesday, October 5th, 2005

    Subject:Old School
    Time:7:48 pm.
    sorry i am

    i'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on the phone
    i'm sorry that after all these years
    i've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears
    i guess i never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me
    i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
    i am

    and i don't know what it is about you
    i just know it's not what it was
    i don't know why red fades before blue it just does
    and i don't know what it is about me
    that i just can't keep still
    i keep thinking someday i will make this all up to you
    and maybe someday i will

    i guess i never loved you quite as well
    as the way you loved me
    i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
    i am
    sorry i am
    sorry i am
    sorry i am
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Friday, September 30th, 2005

    Subject:Drop your seeds and let them go. Let em all go.
    Time:7:42 pm.
    Mood: cold.

    "This song is for the people that tell their family their sorry for things they can't and won't feel sorry for"


    It's been a long time.  Too long, perhaps.  The longest I think I've ever gone without writing, anything.  And I don't think I like that. I will start again. I want to write a fiction book about a car dealership. Would anyone read that?

    I feel like I've become a robot.  We know the song and dance; I've mentioned it before.  The getting up, the going to work, the coming home.  The routine. The In and Out. I can't believe it's october.

    The new apartment is coming along quite well.  We have stuff: a couch, a kitchen table, that sort of thing.  Now that it's cooler, we will probably paint the walls soon.  I've moved the screens (from the windows) up and the glass panes down.  We put a blanket on the bed.  We sleep with PJ's on.  I hate the cold; I hate the winter even more.  I've gotten used to being here; the noises that our place makes at night, the route to work, the bills.  The reality that I am, in short, an adult.

    Let's see.  I've been working out on a regular basis and I'm quite happy with the results.  My goal was a six pack and I'm almost there! I'm such a geek.  It's funny, to me, that when I was in HS and what not, I was anti-athletic activity, and even a few years ago, the idea of the gym was just too daunting to me, but I really enjoy going. It's a stress reliever and it gives me time to think and sort things out. I do an hour of cardio and then some weight/resistence training.  Plus, it keeps me from not smoking. It'll be a year in November and I'm very proud of myself for that. 

    Work is work. One of the members of my "team" broke his ankle in August, so I've been doing his job, and mine. It's been really busy since then; I really don't breath much at work. We have 2 temps right now, one retarded and one not so much.  I do report after report and answer about 5757 million emails a day. I do credit card approvals and troubleshooting and all sorts of fun business like activites.  Although, me busting my ass is paying off, as many of the higher ups are saying, "oh, that Kate is a fantastic worker" which is good for me, since I can start posting for new jobs in November. But then again, I may get shafted. As it always seems there. 

    Things with Ryan are going well.  Fully functioning lesbian couple.  We drove to WI this summer, as that is where she's from.  It took 17 hours.  We saw cows and cheese and beer and bratwurst and clean air and the fish I caught. We got super drunk and sang very very VERY bad Kareokee.."Some Kind of Wonderful." I met her family and saw where she grew up. It was one of the most relaxing times I've ever had.  We also went to Block (AKA Glock) island later in the summer which sucked my ass.

    I cut my hair and now wear glasses while I'm at work. I turned 25 over the summer, and contemplated calling some people I hung out with when I turned 18, or 20.  But I didn't.  I just put on a sweater and will probably have to turn the heat on. 

    I hope to get drunk this weekend b/c it's been awhile. 

    Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

    Monday, August 1st, 2005

    Subject:Long time, no?
    Time:7:29 pm.
    Mood: content.
    List 10 things in a day that give you a moment of joy, and tag five of your friends...

    1. AM Kisses
    2. first cup of coffee
    3. going to the gym
    4. writing
    5. rocking out
    6. Ryan coming home to me
    7. LOLing about everything
    8. falling asleep next to Ryan
    9. mix cd's
    10. not being at staples

    Tagged by: Patrick "I aint afraid of not ghost" Murphy

    Tagging: girlnamedryan; saltlesstears; stellartapebutt; phuzzydee; natalie516
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Monday, May 16th, 2005

    Subject:This will get me a kazoo
    Time:7:45 pm.
    Mood: excited.

    "In-between.  There's a phrase that is far too underappreciated.  What a great day it was, what a moment of pure triump, to have discovered that there are inbetweens.  What freedom it is to live in a spectral world that most people take for granted.  Being somewhere in the middle is anathema in our culture; it connotes mediocrity, middlingness, an item that is so-so, okay, not bad, not good, not much of anything.  So many people feel a need to go bungee jumping, or to take vacations in Third World Countries full of scorpions and armed dictators.  So many people spend so much time in adventures meant only to take them out of that boring, middle range, that placid emotional state where it feels, no doubt, that nothing ever happnes.

    But me, all I want is that nice even keel.  All i want is a life where the extremes are in check, where I am in check.  All I want to do is live in between"

    (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

    Sometimes I spend so much time thinking that my life isn't what it should be, that I'm not doing what I should be, that I'm not focusing like I should be, that when something does happen, I realize that all along, I've been doing exactly what I should be.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Most importantly, I am exactly who I should be.  And "in between" is an ok place to be. 

    Ryan and I found an apt in Worcester and we're moving in at the end of the month.  Fab 3 bedroom, hardwood floors, offstreet parking, washer/dryer in the unit, easy access to the pike.  I'm very excited.  We are making a home. 

    Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

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